23 Nov 2021: Dark Enthusiasm and Desire

Nov 23, 2021

I am uncertain as to why I have recently grown fond of chess. This reflection has been troubling me the past couple of days because I can’t seem to escape my enthusiasm for it. However, I am certain that I am looking for something and though I do not know what this mystical “something” is, I get the vague notion that I am already unconsciously doing it. That in some unknown way my unconscious is methodically going through a process of elimination.

Now to the conscious eye it may “seem” as if I am avoiding life and its demands but again, it is one of those judgments that are not as easy to discern. I don’t know how to explain or why it is necessary, but it is moments like these that I am aware I have no option but to confront my desire. To immerse myself fully in its depths to the point I no longer recognize what I had originally wanted. And maybe, it is this pivotal movement that the unconscious requires of me. I cannot predict the outcome; it is possible that my enthusiasm remains, and chess becomes a part of my life. It is also possible that it fades and another enthusiasm takes its place.

One thing I do know is that if I do not confront my desire, it will wreak havoc upon my life. This is what I call a “dark enthusiasm” which disfigures the original enthusiasm because one pretends and tries to forget the original desire. We must always stray from this kind of enthusiasm for it offers no good news to yourself and the others around you.

There is no failing in life, or is that strange to say? Even if an original desire is morally wrong or evil, it is not “cured” by forbidding it. By casting it into the darkest corners of your unconscious, everything must be brought to light and there some desires that need to played out and there are some that simply need to be seen. I believe chess maybe one of those desires, where I may quite literally have to play it out. To the point I reach exhaustion and drop the game immediately. But why? Why would one need to do this?

I cannot speak for other’s here but for myself it is to see what is left after the wreckage. The surprising aspect about life is that chess may suddenly be the “thing” that defines me or it becomes a part of my repertoire of interests I enjoy. My suspicion leads me to say a strange metaphor that desire is like a pawn and if you play it out, it has the potential to transform into another piece. And then that piece, could be the one you need for “check mate”.